The Cullen Deception
by Cheney Shooter
Summary: And all this time, Edward Cullen has been lying to poor little Bella Swan. Tsk, tsk, tsk... so sad, so sad...


Nobody in the Twilight world expected Bella Swan to end up with Edward Cullen. She's an average human girl, and he's a powerful, intelligent, talented, wealthy, popular, and – most importantly – totally HAWT vampire. Something isn't quite right. By the way, that's HAWT in all caps, mind you, because Edward Cullen's pure HAWTness isn't done justice by the scrawny word that is written down here:

_hawtness_

Just not good enough, isn't it?

He is so damn HAWT that Bella couldn't stop gushing about how HAWT he is. He is, like, totally HAWT. Repeat after me... HAWT. HAWT. HAWT. And I'm glad you're a Twilight fan, dear reader, because, seriously, it would have annoyed you after the second HAWT (there again!) if you weren't. Reading the books and watching the movies a gazillion times would've made you used to it by now. Else, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, you fake Twilight fan.

Edward Cullen is HAWT, HAWT, HAWT, HAWT, HAWT, HAWT, HAWT, HAWT, HAWT, HAWT, and HAWT! That's the heart and soul of the entire Twilight saga. Never forget.

Anyway, so how Bella managed to gag him into sweet matrimony was beyond anyone in mythical Forks could have ever imagined. It was like, _wut da hel? _Heck, I felt the same way when I found out my favorite Victoria's Secret model got married to this cross-eyed basketball player whom no one really wants to have in their team.

But what's done is done. Bella and Edward are married (and my lovely model is married to her weirdo b-ball player *weeps*). A few months later, they (I mean, Edward and Bella) have a baby who almost kills her mother in a fit of monstrous instinct. Hubby then turns wife into a super powerful, extremely beautiful vampire.

Every Twilight fan now thinks that Bella is goddamn luckiest bitch in the world and secretly, or not-so secretly, wishes that she (or he) would wake up one morning, to find herself (or himself) an eternally beautiful immortal woman in the arms of her eternally beautiful sparkling husband. And their eternally beautiful, insanely fast growing daughter, too. Bella gets to escape the trouble of changing dirty diapers for two long years, that nasty wench.

So the proud parents dub the little girl Renesmee (in revenge for the awful pain she caused her mother), pimp her to her momma's ex-boyfriend, and live happily ever after, forever and ever and ever... and... ever?

Well, honestly, I'm not so sure about that. After all, we've only seen Bella's side of the story. We know that she stopped writing her memoirs after Breaking Dawn, since she would be too busy honeymooning with her OMG-HAWT husband. So how certain are we that, after Breaking Dawn, everything was just roses and butterflies?

As I've already said at the beginning of the story, something isn't quite right.

Are you ready for this?

Edward Cullen... is a liar.

WHOA. Bet you didn't expect that, huh? Well, actually, you did, because I laid it out in the summary for you. That's exactly why you are reading my piece of crap, and that's exactly what I'm going to discuss in the next few pages.

Dun-dun-dun-duuuuun!

**The Cullen Deception**  
by: Cheney Shooter

One morning, in a huge, warmly-decorated room in the Cullen mansion, Edward Cullen was getting ready to go to school. He wore his clothes, packed his books, buffed his shoes and fixed his hair... correct that, he didn't fix his hair because he never washes his hair and likes it all messy and stinky. Other than that, everything about him was perfect. His clothes were comfortable and in-fashion for the month. His nails were cleanly manicured. His face was newly exfoliated, courtesy of Jazz Salon and Skin Care Center. In short, he was as handsome and as HAWT as can be.

As he was adding some finishing touches on his cheeks, Alice, his fashionista sister, invading his privacy, suddenly opened his door and walked into his bedroom.

"Dear God! Alice," Edward cried out, "you could have stepped into my room while I was naked! Didn't you ever hear of the word 'knock'?"

"I have heard of it, actually," Alice said. "Knocked up, knocked out. Knocked up because she was knocked out. Ha-ha!"

"Eew. Gross much? Anyway, what the hell do you want?"

"Dad is fucking angry at you—"

"Again? Or are you just exaggerating things, again?"

"Just... exaggerating things. But he is getting impatient. You know he's freakin' conservative. You have to find a girlfriend and get married ASAP."

"But I'm not ready. I haven't found the right girl yet."

Alice rolled her eyes. She was a short and pretty girl with a cool demeanor, nowhere near as nerved as her brother Edward. "Yeah, as if you're looking. You and I know damn well that—"

"Don't you ever, ever mention anything about that!" Edward snapped.

Alice, unshaken, sat on his bed and took a cheap showbiz tabloid from the clutter. She skimmed through the pages. "You read this shit?" she chuckled.

"Gimme that!" Edward yanked the tabloid from her hands. He tossed the tabloid into his personal cabinet, behind lock-and-key. Alice laughed as she watched her brother fix the rest of his clutter.

"You know, you're no good at this game," she said. "Yeah, you do have a way with words. But you leave too much of your stuff lying around. And you should give your room a makeover." She fished a cigarette from her pocket and began to light it.

"Hey... hey! Stop that!" Edward took the cigarette from her and quickly snuffed the end on his dresser. "No smoking in my room!"

Alice didn't protest. She merely patted her pixie hair in an act of natural coolness. "You should learn to smoke," she said, smiling, "and drink. And do all sorts of dirty shit, you know. Not just your hair. It's not convincing enough. The stuff that ruins the nails? Yeah, that would look good on you." She stood and left the room, leaving her brother terribly pissed.

Edward Cullen spent the rest of his morning and early afternoon in school, doing algebra and geometry and biology, just like any good high school student. He was the biggest geek in Forks High School, except he was also extremely HAWT and every heterosexual girl (and homosexual boy) in school squirted onto her (or his) panties just from looking at him. Never mind if his hair was a friggin' mess and a louse paradise. Or that his skin seemed so pale it rivaled that of Michael Jackson in the mortuary meter.

After class, he went straight home, did his homework, and played the piano. He was the only person in the mansion during late weekday afternoons. All the other members of the family were out on their respective love-trips. It was his favorite part of the day, when he was all alone and had the entire house for himself. He loved his solitude.

Later that evening, while they were having their nightly family gathering at the mansion library...

"No girlfriend yet?" Dr. Carlisle Cullen asked. He was a trim, blond man with very sober eyes.

_Not again_, Edward thought to himself. "No. Not yet. I believe that marriage is forever and that I should take time to find the right woman," he said, making the same speech that he had given every night for the past two years. "I'm in no hurry, Dad."

"Well, you better be in a hurry, young man. You have one month to find a fiancee, or your inheritance is dust!" With that, Dr. Cullen marched away with his wife to the master's bedroom.

"I'm only seventeen, you asshole!" Edward shouted after his dad, certain that his words won't be heard. "Jesus Christ! Why the hell are you trying to get me married so soon, anyway?"

"Pardon me, Edward. We're still here, aren't we, or have you forgotten?" Rosalie quipped, waving her gloved hand in front of his face. Everyone else was still in the library: Rosalie and Emmett, Alice and and her nerdy husband Jasper.

Edward clapped her hand away, and looked at her. She was extremely gorgeous, with her long wavy blond hair, powerful eyes, blood-red lips and a perfect figure. She was more beautiful than any of the Hollywood stars he had seen in his magazines. She also happened to be married to Emmett Cullen, his brother. Edward felt the chill of jealousy strike into his chest.

"Sorry, Rosalie," he said.

She nodded. "So, what are you going to do about this problem?" she asked.

"I don't know," Edward replied. "I honestly don't know."

Emmett stepped forward and wrapped his arms around his wife, then whispered a few words into her ear.

"Emmett and I are now going to retire for the night," said Rosalie. "Good night, everyone."

"Good night, everyone," said Emmett. "Good night, Edward."

When Rosalie and Emmett had left, Edward asked, "Do they know?"

"No, I don't think so," Alice replied.

"We haven't told anyone," Jasper added.

"Thanks... thanks so much."

"So," said Alice, as she took out a pen and a piece of paper, "what kind of wife do you want to have?"

-x-x-x-

The next morning, at recess time, Edward, his siblings, and his siblings-in-law went to their usual place at a far corner of the cafeteria, where they hung out and minded their own business. While they were on their way, they couldn't evade attention, of course, being the outrageously attractive persons that they were. Especially Edward. His awesome HAWTness just got everyone he passed by shaking in orgasm.

A small group of teenagers entered the cafeteria. Jasper whispered to Edward, "She's here. There's your woman."

* * *

_Summary: And all this time, Edward Cullen has been lying to poor little Bella Swan. All this time. Tsk, tsk, tsk... so sad, so sad..._


End file.
